The Buoy

 "I was late for the first race
But I parked, hustled in, and I could
Feel this beershit really coming on,
You know, not only coming on
But I had to hold the cheeks of my ass
Together while walking real fast from
The parking lot and through admissions
And toward and in the crapper."

Charles Bukowski, "The 9 Horse"

Every time I read these words I weep. Whether it be in solitude amongst my belongings (empty beer cans, a universe of books and a persian rug) or in the library. I simply can't help it. My friend Kevin speaks fondly of beer shits from time to time and I am reminded of Bukowski's fine words. Fine words elegantly and delecately crafted in a cave somewhere--his dimly lit study. A candle and a corona his sole companions.

Anyways, what this is all about is I saw what I definitely determined to be a beer shit on the sidewalk yesterday. While walking to Wegmans to procure a bottle of exquisite belgian ale for my companions and I to enjoy, in my line of vision, not 6 sidewalk squares in front of my moving body lay a wet, brown mass. I moved in for closer inspection. The specimen was definitely of human origin (because of girth, texture, etc.) however, how it got there and why it got there were both a mystery.

I quickly roped off the sidewalk square with toothpicks and floss. I wedged a few toothpicks into the corner of each trench that bespoke the end of one polygon and the beginning of the next. Then wound tightly each pack of flimsy wood, connecting them all in such a manner that it produced what appeared to me to be a miniature boxing ring. What to do now? I wasn't a forensic analyst; I couldn't extract a sample and determine precisely which beer had produced the shit, I couldn't even determine which region the hops or barley had come from. But did I want that? No. I let my instincts take over.

 

I continued, hurriedly, on my path to Wegmans. I gravitated involuntarily to the aisle in which PVC pipe resides. I had never purchased PVC pipe before, and didn't even know Wegmans carried such an item. But still, I drifted up to the shelf with the apparent foreknowledge of a habitual buyer of the item--as if I had done so every day in my life for a time (or a past life perhaps...).

 

I purchased a foot of PVC pipe, a liter of Belgian ale and a six pack of Yuengling. The purchases came to $17.76. Moments before checkout, I noticed a penny laying atop a Twix bar. I stooped and fetched it. I noticed that it had been quite some time since someone had bought a Twix bar in this particular aisle; there was a thin, almost imperciptible film of grey-white dust layering the golden wrapper. I received $2.25 (remember this number) in change by means of the orphan penny. I headed back to the beer shit.

 

I came across the sidewalk square and witheld an utterly un-surprising scene. It was exactly how I left it. I set myself to work. The beer shit was almost directly in the middle of the sidewalk square. I placed the six pack of Yuengling in front of the beer shit (from the Wegmans side), equidistant from the sidewalk trench. Then, I placed the PVC pipe on the other side. Now, the PVC pipe was too long, and would spill over on to the neighboring square. What I did was direct it so that it formed almost a 45 degree angle between the shit and the normal line, facing the road. I stepped back.

 

I stood for quite some time on somebody's lawn in front of the sidewalk square admiring the installation. It was pretty good. I noted that a few passersby were walking up the sidewalk path toward my piece and decided to observe their reactions from behind a nearby bush.

 

A minute later they approached, circled the exhibit, made a few inaudible remarks and continued on their path. I emerged from the flora and stood by the square. I felt satisfied with the contribution I had made to society that day so I decided to go and get a coffee at a local cafe. You guessed it, that large sized coffee came to $2.25. And it was the last bit of money that belonged to me on this Earth. 

 

fin.