Two wild boars reported rising stock rat(capital)es from three suspected men

At the station:

I’ve dangled my boots upside down every day before I’ve walked into my house this week. It has been quite windy out. Danger: we’re fucking finally here at finals so what do you have? Orgo, chem, bio, french? What, Perry? (Aside?: Make it quick, you're not welcome here.) You have two boots of mine stuck to your face. Thief? Nope, because after dinner my professor said we live in “a schizophrenic world.” She’s a real piece of work that one(in the most neutral way). Yeah, I would say nine times out of ten someone is going to work, but heck that’s no business of mine.
On to the news:

Today we Snowshot. Snowshooting is a new activity I made, consisting of punching snowballs and then immediately shooting them with lead bullets. Four candles have been accidentally punched in the process. Mmmmmm, oh yes, the practice is quite outdated by now.

What are they reporting in the orchards?

Yes, good morning everyone. I’ll remember this week for at least 3 days after this week. I’m living a life, I guess. The fruits don’t yet exist, but we’re expecting them to come in the next millennium. Yep, what a sight that'll be. O golly...

Now to the aquarium?(Aside: Did we give him something to report on?)

Oh, am I on? Uh, does that means yes? Uh yeah, there was a pretty good whale watch a couple of miles from here today. I'm not sure why i've been sent to the aquarium, but i'm told there will be copious amounts of donuts after I finish up. My mom never seems to buy me donuts because I keep losing these news jobs, but i'm just like "Fuck you mom!" and she's like "Yeah...no". Our relationship is strained. Well, hey guys my friend Mike is having people over tonight if any of you guys in Scarsdale wanna come over (insert embarrassed muffled laugh from aquarium goers). The addy is 33 Beingaudited. Just pass the sign we're gonna put up, it's down stairs in the basement. Seriously guys, no one came last time.



Thanks everyone for joining us. This has been Disorder(?) news station reporting to you for 350 wonderful seconds. Kisses.