Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rat Poison (A Manifesto)

All right, so this one is called “Rat Poison” as you can see. What I plan to eloquently and epically portray is what exactly Rat Poison means to me: What you say is that Rat Poison is a flight from life, an extinguishing of life correct? Well, I would argue that yes, it may in some circles be considered an extinguishing of life, however, it is also (more importantly) a proliferation of life and happiness. With excess rodents (more specifically, rats) on earth, we are likely to be greeted with a few vile outcomes: 1. An abundance of (excuse my onomatopoeia. Hey, the writers of Bat Man did it, right? This is rodent-related as well, so I am going to kindly ask you to overlook this lack of tact, or plentitude of colloquial English if you will) the exclamation “BLEH” -In order to eradicate the excess use of this exclamation, I am face-to-face with no better alternative than to implement the usage of Rodenticides (Rat Poison) from the golden gates of California, to the Smoky mountains of Tennessee, and of course the mysterious, cavernous, winding catacombs of New York City. I personally am not fanatical about the prospect of hearing this proclamation of disgust any longer. It pollutes my ears and erodes my being. This is a new generation. A generation that will not cease complaining. It began with the Industrial Revolution, with that wretched supposed “seminal work” of Upton Sinclair by the name of “The Jungle.” In this pathetic excuse for an exposé, the “author” proclaims, in no brief or concise language (the damn thing is 475 pages for Christ’s sake) that the desultory and decrepit conditions in which humans laboriously constructed vessels of importance for our fine country were “inhumane.” Those are precisely the conditions in which rats feel accustomed! Along with the sludge and slander that this loquacious upstart, Sinclair spewed, came an onslaught of reform. Reform! No more rats, no more dirt, no more vile anything. All because a few negligent ivory tower social scientists felt that the conditions were a little too much for humans… So, in a similar vein, I would like to go out on a limb and conclude in this sector of my argument, that with an abundance of rat poison, there will be no more complaining (The heinous flapping of lips that so un-innocuously follow an “inhumane” setting). It is only because this incessant complaining is such a hot button issue for me that I campaign and lobby for Rat Poison everywhere and anywhere. 2. The second (which comes after the first) vile outcome one is likely to observe when an abundance of rodents is present, is more diseases. - Do you remember the bubonic plague? I do not, however, there are likely millions of souls floating in and out of your lungs every second that can attest to the fact that rats helped spread it. Actor Christopher Waltz eloquently hit the nail right on the proverbial head in the 2009 Quentin Tarantino classic, “Inglorious Basterds” when he was speaking with Perrier LaPadite and said: “well yes, rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that was some time ago.” It may have been “some time ago” to actor Christopher Waltz, but in my scholarly and un-humble opinion, that is no reason to feel content or complacent. Rats spread diseases. Plain and simple. If you are willing to argue against this conjecture, then I am willing to place you in the same category as Rush Limbaugh (stupid). You simply can’t argue it and still maintain that you are a sane and rational human being. The two entities: 1. being a human being, and 2. Believing rats don’t spread diseases are so diametrically opposed, I liken the argument to that of Yin and Yang hanging out and having coffee. It’s impossible, and from my scholarly room of immeasurable time constraints, I feel that there is simply no need to belabor this point any further. My apologies, I digress. As I was saying, we all know that rats spread diseases. As a part of my campaign, I ensure that everyone that falls inside of the border of the United States will be safe from Bubonic Plague part deux. It’s simply unacceptable, and an argument clear enough to convince anyone to immediately and swiftly join the company of the illustrious “Pro-Rodenticides” (For rat poison) camp. 3. The third vile outcome of excess rats on our planet is one that should hit slightly closer to home. If you’re reading this, I am going to go out on a limb and say that you’re most likely American. Being American, you are a natural born pioneer; it’s an innate quality all of us north of the Mexican border can proudly say we are endowed with. Also, being an American, and having gone through years and years of magnificent pedagogy (The American Schooling System) in American history (8th Grade), I am going to assume that you understand the concept of “Manifest Destiny.” -Being American, and owning your pioneer-like, adventurous spirit that you do, you surely understand the importance of Manifest Destiny. On the off chance that you’re German, we’ll go ahead and call this “lebensraum,” although I’m unsure if it translates the same. Getting back on topic; when America truly began taking over this great land, our forefathers embarked on a courageous quest fueled by the fury of New England, and the prospect of gold and desire somewhere buried out west. We eventually captured all that dust and beauty in between the formerly snake-like, premature colony that we previously called home, and the mystery, the smoky glory of that ever-dynamic Golden Coast of the west. Like I said, no stone was left un-turned, no cave left un-spelunkered, and of course no road left un-paved. We finally owned it. It took quite some time and sweat, but we owned it. If rats continue to populate this planet, it is our territory that they are fucking up and tramping on and smudging up. I will not stand by and let them besmirch my gold. I will not sit up here in my dormitory and let that vile fucking creature lay eggs and shit all over our destiny. If we have Rat poison at the ready, then we better use it. FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT! Tiocfaidh ár lá! Farrell Lucas McKenna Staunch Proponent of Rodenticides

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