Dirt Clods

I. Dirt clods are cool—you just have to know what to do. When it rains, they become mud. Everyone likes to fling mud, unless you are afraid to get dirty. When you slide around in the mud, it is guaranteed that laughter will ensue. When it rains, you will have fun with the conglomeration of mass formerly known as a dirt clod.

II. It’s fun to rip dirt clods out of the earth. It doesn’t hurt the earth necessarily, although we can’t really say for sure. It feels as if you are pulling a potato up from the ground. Or, a mandrake from Harry Potter.

III. When the dirt clod is very dry, and you throw it, if it hits the sidewalk, lots of specks of dirt scatter about and the sound that’s created is very soothing. The initial impact itself is very nice, just to hear a body smacking the pavement. Like a squirrel falling from a tree. It’s a very comforting and definite plop that sets the soul at ease. The scattering of dirt that follows the plop is sort of similar to icing on a cake. It also reminds me of hair. The singular trajectories of dirt that fly every which way streak brown lines that add beautiful contrast—depending on the juxtaposition—to the blank, solid slab of rock beneath.

IV. Take away the rain, and just have a dirt clod fight. It’s harmless.

V. Pretend each individual dirt clod is a grenade, and as you hurl them over your neighbor’s fence, imagine they are causing irreparable damage to an enemy whose core beliefs are diametrically opposed to yours to such an extent that you are desirous of obliterating his/her flesh.

VI. I have said five things about dirt clods.

VII. If you’re of athletic stock, pretend that a dirt clod is a baseball. Pluck a clod from the sod and chuck it against your house. It will leave a small mark on the side of the house that will likely not go away. It’s a good way to rid your life of frustration, and fun to watch the marks amass.

VIII. Throw a dirt clod up in the air and let it rain down on you. If you’re brave, look up while it’s coming down. It may get in your eyes, but if you’re trying to kill time, you should have no qualms about spending a few minutes trying to get specks of dirt out of your eye sockets. It will get in your hair undoubtedly, but that’ll make a shower more interesting. It’s sort of like when there’s sand in your hair, and you’re washing it, you can feel the grainy scalp that provides the foundation for your hair; it’s a very enjoyable contrast, and always a fun task to rid your scalp of it.

IX. Throw a dirt clod at a moving car. They’ll wonder why you did it.