Friday, January 29, 2010

The Art of Stealing Beer

I run a business, ya see? You know those uh… frat parties? Yea, well I am the guy that comes in and steals beer. The thing about frat parties is that nobody knows what the fuck is going on. All you need is a couple of hot girls with ping pong paddles swinging in the air and slapping asses and you have everyone’s attention. So, that’s what I do.
Alright, I’ll tell you in a little more detail. I go to parties with my friends, Jasmine and Amanda. We are pretty much guaranteed due to the majority vaginal presence in the group. Once we get in, the girls hug the guy at the door and thank him profusely. Then, we proceed to the beer. Here is where you either make or break the shit, OK? The beer typically either chills out in the open, or catches some fresh air out the backdoor. If it’s the latter, we don’t even need any hot girls, the mentally challenged frat boys have long lost their beer. If it’s inside, that’s a whole different story. A story where a man with a keen intellect and eye for opportunity often prospers– a man like me. So, I put the girls to work. Almost every frat house has a ping pong table. Almost every frat house keeps the beer by the ping pong table. It’s called easy access for “Beirut” or “Beer pong,” depending on where in the world you’re from. We’re from New York so we’ll fucking call it beer pong. While all the mindless fuckers are playing beer pong, I make sure my girls pick up ping pong paddles. They proceed to run around the room dancing and slapping asses with the paddles. At this point, you could walk a camel, an elephant, then even fucking Siegfried and Roy, along with all their tigers and shit right through that room and nobody would notice. So, I wait until all the important asses are being slapped, the glazed eyes are directed at girls’ faces and asses, then I grab two thirty racks of beer from the bar.
The next part is key: You can’t be some fucking little dipshit, looking around nervously every time you lift beer from a frat, you’ve gotta be calm, cool and collected as fuck. I’m lucky cause I’m handsome as shit. I just pop on a pair of sun glasses, wear a blazer, and even the president of the fucking fraternity would help my ass carry the boxes up the stairs. So, that is how you steal beer from a party.
If you’re wondering what to do with your beer after it’s stolen, that’s entirely up to you. If you’re in the “getting drunk” business, by all means, oblige yourself. If you’re in the “selling beer” business, by all means, make a little money. Either way, it’s pretty cool to acquire this skill– I suggest you give it a shot sometime.

No comments:

Post a Comment